


Learning to Trust

by ParaCord



Series: The Many Mini Mantis Adventures [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order (Video Game)
Genre: Cal Kestis Needs a Hug, Crew as Family, Cuddling & Snuggling, Declarations Of Love, F/M, Fluff, Healing, Kissing, Magic Spoon, Merrin needs a hug too, No Smut, Post-Canon, Post-Star Wars: Jedi: Fallen Order, Romance, Teasing, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-31
Updated: 2020-07-31
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:08:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25622653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ParaCord/pseuds/ParaCord
Summary: "To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved."Cal and Merrin have had traumatic pasts, and they can only move forward by learning to trust each other.
Relationships: BD-1 & Cal Kestis, Cal Kestis & Merrin, Cal Kestis/Merrin, Cere Junda & Cal Kestis, Cere Junda & Merrin, Greez Dritus & Cal Kestis, Greez Dritus & Merrin
Series: The Many Mini Mantis Adventures [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1876894
Comments: 15
Kudos: 95





	Learning to Trust

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so the first thing I’d like to say is that I have NEVER WRITTEN A FANFIC IN MY LIFE. Never. In fact, I don’t even think I’ve ever written a semi-creative story that wasn’t tied to a school assignment in some way. So please don’t hate on me too much. I’m not a writer (well I guess I kinda am now), but I think it’s about time we had another cheesy Merrical story for this super small fandom.
> 
> So sit back and enjoy!

“I bet you never thought you’d team up with a Jedi, huh?”

“Little in my life has gone how I thought it would, Cal Kestis.”

“Yeah, I hear you.”

..........

It had been a long three weeks since the battle on Nur.

Cal sat in his small bunk at the back of the Mantis with his legs draped over the ledge of the bed, his gloved hand gripping the lip as he looked at the ground in a lost stare. His other hand tousled and toyed with his hair as he contemplated on all that had happened in his young life.

Master Tapal had been like a father to him, always looking out for Cal, but pushing and challenging him to be the best young Jedi he could be. He thought back fondly on one of their first training experiences together when his Master taught him how to wall run. He had failed so many times, but he was always encouraged to get up and try again. Master Tapal embodied patience and understanding for his young padawan.

_Yes, the path is difficult. It may seem impossible, but with persistence and the Force as your ally, you will overcome any obstacle. You will master any path._

Well Master Tapal was right about one thing: The path sure had been difficult.

Order 66 had forever changed Cal. No matter how strong you are, no matter how much you deny it, a small part of you, in the deepest part of your mind, will be altered when your friends suddenly turn against you and your only father figure dies in your arms due to your carelessness.

No, not his carelessness. Cal had fought this mental battle in the Tomb of Kujet on Dathomir and won. He knew his Master would be proud of how far he had come and the efforts he was making to bring back the Jedi Order.

Actually, Cal wasn’t certain Master Tapal would be proud of everything he was doing. A certain resident Nightsister seemed to be on his mind a lot more than he wanted to openly admit. It’s as if Merrin had used her dark magick to cast a spell on him. He had been utterly entranced by her since she first approached him with her hood down. From her powerful abilities and broken past to her auburn eyes and striking tattoos, there was so much about her that he...loved? The word felt right in his mind, but Cal’s Jedi morals battled with him internally.

Cal pulled his hand out of his hair, stood up from the bed, and made his way over to the worktable. Maybe working on his lightsaber would help clear his mind. He knew meditation wouldn’t work right now, and his lightsaber was essentially an extension of himself anyway. He’d been told that back as a youngling at the Jedi Temple.

_This weapon is your life._

He’d always kept his lightsaber on him ever since. However, he technically had Jaro Tapal’s lightsaber now, but he had made it his own after his journey to the kyber crystal cave on Ilum.

_Funny_ , Cal thought to himself, _I never let anyone near Master Tapal’s lightsaber for the years I had it. And the first thing I did after finally making it mine, was give it to someone else_.

Cal went to set his lightsaber down on the table and a resting BD-1 chirped up from the corner. He squeaked some concerned beeps toward the sleepless Jedi.

“It’s nothing BD, just have a lot on my mind.”

Cal quickly squinted and shot his arm up to block the bright blue beam of light that was shining in his eyes.

“I don’t think you’re gonna learn anything from scanning me buddy,” Cal said while he stifled a laugh.

“Beee-ooooop.”

“I know you want to help, but I don’t think there’s anything in your database that can fix this.”

There was a light rap at the door, and Cal didn’t know who else would be up right now.

“Come in,” Cal said from the back of the room, craning his neck to see who the uninvited, but not necessarily unwelcome, guest was. Maybe they’d help distract him.

The door opened with a whoosh to reveal Cere standing in the doorway.

He thanked the Force it wasn’t Merrin.

“Hey Cal, I thought I might find you up.” She took one step into the room to let the door close behind her before crossing her arms against her chest and leaning back.

“Ever since I used the Force again on Nur, I’ve been a little more...sensitive to its effects.”

“I thought you cut yourself off again?”

“I did...But it can be a difficult process. The Force is a natural extension of ourselves, I’ll never be fully able to not feel the pull.” Cere shook her head at herself in disappointment.

“I’m sorry Cere, is there anything I can do to help?”

“You’ve done your part, Cal. You reminded me I still had a choice even when I was lost in hatred, and I thank you for that.”

Cal smiled at her words.

“I’m actually here to see if I can help you.” Cere uncrossed an arm and jabbed a finger in Cal’s direction. “As I said, I’m a little more in tune with the Force right now, and I can feel your distress. Talk to me.”

Cal moved to rub the back of his neck. He wanted to tell Cere everything, but he wasn’t sure what she would think of his situation or what she could even do to help.

“It’s nothing, really.”

“Oh I know a lie when I see one,” Cere said as she crossed the room toward Cal’s bunk. “You spend enough time with Greez, and you can pinpoint someone lying to themselves any day. Of course with Greez it’s usually about his intimate knowledge of the Mantis.” Cere sat down and tapped the space next to her. “Come, sit down.”

Cal released a heavy sigh and sauntered over to the bed. He plopped down on the bunk and leaned forward, his forearms resting on his knees and his head drooping down in a sullen manner.

BD-1 hopped down from the worktable to follow him and make himself comfortable tucked between Cere and Cal.

“I’m guessing this is one of two things. You’re either a little disappointed by how soft your bed is,” a smile in her voice as Cere pressed down on the hard cot with both of her hands. “Or you like Merrin a little more than just a friend.”

Cal snapped his head in her direction

“Cere, how di...how did you know?”

She let out an audible laugh and placed her hand on Cal’s knee. “I didn’t even need the Force to know that. I’ve seen the way you look at her. You get this magic gleam in your eyes as if you’re watching the most precious thing in the galaxy.”

His face burned red in embarrassment.

“And I can understand why you’re struggling with it. The Jedi Order taught you not to have any attachments to those around you.” Cere raised her voice slightly and spoke with conviction, “But we have to remember the Jedi Order fell for a reason, Cal. We can’t hope to rebuild it without changing and adapting from our mistakes. How can a Jedi be passionate about helping the galaxy if there’s no one in it he’s allowed to love?”

Cal finally picked himself up and sat up straight.

“Thanks, Cere, that...helps.”

“You’re welcome, Cal,” Cere said as she gave his knee a pat and stood up to make her way back over to the door. She was one step away when she turned to speak with a smirk over her shoulder.

“I think you should tell her.”

Cal’s eyes widened in surprise while BD-1 chirped in agreement with Cere.

“But, I...I don’t know how to. And I don’t even know if she feels the same.”

“You’ll be okay, Cal. You’ll figure it out. And I think she can handle it, she’s a sweet girl…” Cere turned back around, opened the door, and exited. Cal was just about to let himself relax when she poked her head back in to get one last word.

“Plus you didn’t see how worried she was about you after Nur. I think she paced up and down the ship for hours.”

Cere finally left, and Cal let himself fall back down onto the bed with a resounding thud.

..........

Eventually Cal fell back asleep, but it wasn’t long before he felt the familiar shake of the Mantis as it entered atmosphere and landed. He attempted to go back to sleep, but was unsuccessful. He rose groggily and rubbed at his eyes, trying to erase his early morning fatigue. He reached under the bed and grabbed his Savannah poncho to slip over his head. Cal considered leaving his trademark welding glove on his left hand, but he decided against it and took it off. He just wouldn’t toy around with his lightsaber or make any upgrades to BD-1 today.

Apparently he had some more...personal matters he should try to take care of anyway.

He left his room and entered the main cabin to find an empty ship with a cool, crisp draft blowing throughout the Mantis’ interior. He took a deep breath and enjoyed the fresh air. He’d spent a lot of time on spaceships back when he was a Padawan, but it was always nice to be planetside.

Cal headed toward the exit, and a cheerful BD-1 greeted him at the holotable.

“Good morning to you too, buddy. Did you end up getting some good rest?”

“Bee-doooop!”

“Glad to hear it. Let’s go find where everyone else went.” BD-1 hopped onto his back, and Cal walked down the ramp of the ship.

They were back on Bogano. Since the death of Trilla and the destruction of the holocron, the Empire didn’t really have a reason to stay on the planet, so it was close to the peaceful, untouched sanctuary it once was.

Off to the right, Cal could see Greez doing some post flight checks at the rear of the ship. He didn’t see Cere or Merrin anywhere.

“Hey, Greez,” Cal called over to him.

“Cal, kid, can you come help me with something?”

“Sure, what’s up?” Cal said as he jogged over.

Greez pulled up one of his arms to his mouth like he was trying to block someone from reading his lips. He leaned forward and whispered to Cal.

“Merrin wanted to learn more about the ship, so I’ve got her working on the hyperdrive calibration tube on the underside of the small fin.” Cal saw the missing hull panel that led into the infrastructure of the Mantis’ rotating wing system. “Could you, uh, go up there and check on her? Make sure she’s not making potions or something?”

Cal shook his head in disbelief and laughed at the Lateron.

“C’mon Greez, you’re kidding right?”

“I’m not taking any chances with a witch sister!” he said while throwing all four arms up in the air.

Cal walked over to the open panel. He stood on his toes to poke his head into the cramped crawl space of the inner side fin, and he jerked when his head emerged less than a foot from the side of Merrin’s face.

“Oh, uh, hi Merrin,” Cal stuttered nervously.

She was on her back holding a wrench above her to a loose bolt, unphased by Cal’s sudden proximity. She brought her arms down to her chest and turned her head to look at Cal.

“Make sure you tell Greez he’s lucky he’s still on my good side.”

“I guess you kind of overheard our conversation, huh?” Cal said as he scrunched his face.

“I do not think you can say I ‘overheard’ it when he was yelling from 10 feet away.”

Cal was prepared to offer her an apology, but she wore a slight grin that told him she wasn’t offended.

If it was possible, Cal thought she looked even more incredible than ever. It could be that he was closer than normal to her, her eyes and lips a mere inches away, or it was the thin layer of grease and sweat that glowed off her skin in the dim light of the grimy workspace. He swallowed a hard knot that was forming in the back of his throat.

At the same time, Merrin was doing her absolute best to act nonchalant. She had known Cal would be coming over to check on her, but she was taken aback when she turned and saw his warm green eyes and brilliant red hair reflecting the light from Bogano’s grassy plain below. He was shining like a beacon of all that had been good in her life because, well, the only thing that had been good in her life since the massacre was Cal.

An awkward moment of silence ensued as electricity sparked across the small space between them. Cal and Merrin were both very aware how close they were to each other.

Merrin broke the tension when she huffed a quick breath to blow some loose strands of hair out of her face, and went back to work.

“I do not wish to distract you. You have a galaxy to save, no?”

Cal smiled at her sassy retort and fell back to his heels to drop down from the open panel. Their short interaction had done nothing more than reinforce Cere’s suggestion that he needs to tell Merrin how he feels. It had been hard to breathe that close to her, both literally and figuratively.

Up ahead, Cere was now present. She and Greez were exchanging conversation and making small glances toward Cal. Their whispering stopped as he got closer to them.

“Soooo, how did it go?” Greez chortled while bumping Cal with one of his elbows.

“She said you should consider yourself lucky you’re still on her good side.”

“Hey, look now, she better not go doin’ anything just to spite me. She wants to learn how to fly, she’s gotta learn the engineering first. Plus, how else was I supposed to get you two close together? Y’all just stare at each other all the time like you’ve got pieces of Meiloorun stuck to your face.”

“What are you trying to say, Greez?” Cal cautiously asked.

“I’m saying that old Greezy knows a thing or two about love, and Cere here,” Greez jabbed a thumb in Cere’s direction, “wasn’t the only one to notice the way you look at her. You’ve got everything you need to make it work: admiration, devotion, attraction, and respect.”

“Boooooo-oop.”

“You’re in on this too BD?” Cal said with mock offense.

At that moment, Merrin dropped down from the ship, and Cere, Greez, and Cal all turned in her direction.

The mid-morning sun was behind her casting warm rays of light that wrapped around her body. Cal hadn’t noticed before that she had forgone her typical red tunic and was only wearing her grey undershirt and leggings. His mouth hung slightly agape and he let his gaze linger a little too long before Cere and Greez snickered at him.

Cal snapped back in their direction, embarrassed once again.

“Don’t worry kid, I think she would…” Greez stopped talking once Merrin was within listening distance.

Thankfully, Cere kept the conversation going.

“Hey, Merrin. How was it getting to work on the ship for the first time?” Cere asked in her soft and comforting tone.

“It is so fascinating. You must teach me more. But please, I do not wish to interrupt.”

“Oh it’s no worries, we were just asking Cal how his injuries have been healing.” Cal was so thankful Cere had lied. He went along with it casually.

“Yeah, the burn still bothers me at times, but the one from Dathomir is almost fully healed.” He flipped up his left wrist to show the bruise that was usually covered under his glove.

“What hurt you on Dathomir?” Merrin grabbed his arm and shot him a concerned look.

“Uhhh, one of your sisters may have gotten a bite on my arm after we fought Malicos. It’s nothing though, it’s almost gone.” Cal slapped himself internally. He knew she would have prevented it if she could have, why would he bring it up?

“Oh, right. Sorry,” Merrin said as she slowly let go of his wrist.

Merrin couldn’t pretend to act unphased by that. Malicos had taunted her and tormented her about not being powerful enough, and now she found out Cal had been hurt by her own creation that she didn’t have the strength to stop.

Cal and Merrin shared an awkward moment of silence before Greez spoke up.

“But now that you’re with us, you can put all your voodoo magick to good work around the Mantis! Just like how I’m willing to share my great-grandma’s secret steak rub.”

“Yes, Greez. Again, my magick is just like eating steak.” Her sarcasm was so thick it was palpable.

..........

It had been several hours since Cal and Merrin’s uncomfortable interaction, and the sun was starting to set on Bogano.

Greez tested out various recipes in the kitchen all day. He misplaced his good spoon and had been incessantly asking all day if anyone had seen it.

Cere split her time between monitoring Imperial channels and playing her hallikset. They weren’t on the run at the moment, so she had a chance to relax and recall the feeling of the seven-stringed instrument under her fingertips.

Merrin had been distant all day since their earlier conversation. She said she needed to be alone for a little while, and she went off into Bogano’s serene expanse to do exactly that.

Cal did more exploring of Cordova’s old workspace. BD-1 had come along with him of course. He made attempts to meditate throughout the day, but his thoughts betrayed him. He kept thinking about Merrin. She had been her typical straight forward and cheeky self until something verbally struck her, and she suddenly became uncomfortable with Cal’s presence. He needed to find out what was wrong, for both her sake and his.

“I gotta find her, BD.”

“Beep-trilll?”

“Yeah buddy, I’m sure. I need to do this alone. Will you make it back to the ship okay?”

BD-1 offered an affirmative beep and hopped down off his shoulder.

Cal set out across the vast Bogano fields to find Merrin, using the Force to guide him. Nightsister magick was dark and dangerous, but it was unique. Its presence in the Force didn’t feel the same as a Jedi or a Sith, rather, it was something different entirely. And Merrin’s presence specifically felt like the residual chill left from another person’s skin leaving contact with yours. Maybe finding her in person would warm him again.

Cal peaked a small ridge and could see Merrin in some form of meditation, the setting sun casting a golden light down on the hillside. She sat cross-legged on the plain, hands out holding her talisman while a green mist swirled around her.

Cal approached her as cautiously and quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb her. His efforts proved futile as she looked over her shoulder and saw him, but she did not say anything to stop him. He sat down to her left, pulling his legs to his chest with his forearms draped across his knees.

He watched as she chanted an incantation under her breath in a mystic grace. The green, flame-like tendrils rose out of her hands and filled her eyes before dissipating in a flare. Merrin put the talisman away before mirroring Cal’s sitting position.

“I didn’t realize Nightsister magick included meditation,” Cal said with intrigue.

“It does not. I was practicing the Chant of Resurrection.” Merrin moved her head to meet his eyes.

“You mean like the one you used on Dathomir?”

“Yes. I have not mastered full control of that power.”

“Well I hope you don’t send any more of your undead sisters at me by accident,” Cal joked with her.

Merrin looked back away from him and dropped her head down in a look of defeat.

“I am sorry. I would have stopped them if I could...There are many things I could have been prevented. You may not have been injured on Nur had I gotten there faster.”

Cal was taken aback by her words. Is that why she had been so distant all day? She had saved his life more times than he could count. He trusted her more than anything. Could she not see that? This was the moment to tell her, and he took a deep breath to steady himself.

“No, Merrin, when I…” Cal stumbled over his words. “When I gave you my lightsaber back in the Tomb on Dathomir, it meant more than me just trying to convince you I wasn’t your enemy.”

Merrin tilted her head in a quizzical stare and crossed her arms across her chest. She raised one eyebrow while a look of gentle curiosity played across her features. She didn’t even have to say anything for Cal to know he needed to continue talking. Her deep auburn eyes seeking more explanation to this pointed conversation. Merrin wasn’t one for long talks, as she had reminded him on multiple occasions, but her naturally genuine inquisitiveness brought a question to her mouth.

“Then what did it mean, Cal?” Her tone was soft, not her typical guarded demeanor.

Cal looked away from Merrin and fixed his eyes to the ground. He knew what he wanted to say, but it was just so damn hard to say it. He pulled his hand off his knee and ran it through his hair as he tended to when he was nervous or deep in thought. He recently found himself in both of these scenarios more frequently with Merrin on board. He often wondered if Cere had tired of him asking her questions about the Nightsisters, but as of this morning, it seemed she had continuously answered him with full understanding of his real intention.

He pulled his hand back out of his hair and brought it down to the lightsaber at his hip. Turning toward Merrin and meeting her eyes, he unclipped the weapon from his holster and held out his empty left hand, silently asking for Merrin to place her hand in his. She uncrossed her arms to reach out.

Cal studied her facial expressions. She could be so hard to read at times. Years of being alone with no one but the Nightbrothers and Taron Malicos had left her extremely stoic, and her expressions usually never betrayed her words or actions. When he first held out his hand, Merrin appeared surprised, but her insightfulness seemed to lend her the understanding of where their conversation was headed. A soft smile grew across her dark lips, and he matched it with his own.

He gently grabbed her right hand, letting the back of her fingers rest atop his rough and calloused palm and their thumbs to intertwine. The memory of handing her the Astrium back on Dathomir flashed across his mind. He’d barely known her at the time, yet even back then, he’d savored the gentle pressure of her hands on his. And now he could feel her cool, metal ring burning against his skin, and with it, an echo in the force behind it’s touch.

He dared not look into it. Not here, not now, not without Merrin’s permission.

Cal brought his other hand up and moved to place his lightsaber into her palm, his eyes never leaving hers. Merrin cautiously wrapped her fingers around its hilt, much slower and more cautiously than when he had thrown the weapon to her in the Tomb of Kujet. Cal let his right hand slide off the lightsaber and daringly brought it to rest on Merrin’s thigh while he continued to let his other hand brush the back of hers.

He could feel his face burning and his heart rate speeding up as adrenaline coursed through his body. The Jedi Order had taught him how to control his emotions and to meditate to become more in tune with the Force. However, there weren’t any lessons on how to calm down when you were talking to a beautiful woman and trying to tell her how you feel about her. Cal made a mental note of adding that lesson for future Jedi.

He finally spoke with a trying conviction, attempting to figure out the right words as he went. Merrin meant so much to him, and the last thing he wanted to do was ruin their friendship. Whatever that even ended up being at the end of this conversation. He knew he would live if she didn’t reciprocate his romantic feelings, but he couldn’t bear the thought of her being nonexistent in his life.

“I know you’re skeptical of an order of peacekeepers being so passionate about a weapon, but it means so much more than that, Merrin. We craft our lightsabers when we’re very young. They are the symbol of the completion of a level of our Jedi training when we’ve learned to overcome all our personal fears and failures.“

Cal didn’t give Merrin the chance to say anything before continuing.

“We’re taught to see our lightsabers as our lives. Delicate and fragile, but strong and capable of justice if wielded by the right person or for the right reasons.”

The smile that had initially graced Merrin’s face left as she listened to Cal’s words with undivided attention.

“You once told me that having a lightsaber isn’t what makes you a Jedi,” Merrin said matter-of-factly.

“It’s not, but...I mean…” Cal stuttered at her statement. No matter how much time he spent with her, he was always taken off guard by some of the things she said. He regained his thoughts and continued.

“I can still be a Jedi without one, I can still fight for peace in the galaxy. But a lightsaber in a Jedi’s hand was once a symbol of peace, justice, and security, and I want it to be seen that way again.”

Merrin moved her eyes away from his and looked down at her own hand holding onto Cal’s lightsaber. He kept his eyes on her while he removed his hand from behind hers and brought it back to his knee. Merrin’s eyes quickly darted back to his at the realization of what he was saying, and the smile crept back onto her face once more.

“After the purge, there was no one I could rely on. No one I could truly open up to and share that pain and loneliness of losing everyone I cared about. Then I came to Dathomir and met you. You talked about losing your Sisters, your coven, and you showed you weren’t too fond or trusting of outsiders. You terrified me at first for sure,” he let out a small chuckle at the thought, “but I felt connected to your story. And then I found the Force echo of a young girl, lost, crying, and scared with no one to turn to. Someone who I thought could understand my pain…” Cal took one more deep breath.

“So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I trust you with my life Merrin. I trust you to be that right person to take my lightsaber, for you to fight for the right reasons, and for people to see you and know they’ll be safe.”

She stretched her arm out to hand the lightsaber back to Cal as she looked at him with one of her infamous smirks and spoke in her rich accent.

“You talk too much, Cal Kestis.”

And then she smiled. Not one of her half smiles that twitched at the corner of her lips. An actual smile with gleaming teeth, wrinkles by the corners of her eyes, and an ethereal glow that took Cal’s breath away.

Merrin had a tendency to do things or say things without a second thought, and she was usually right. Like when she brought up the glaring fact about the holocron and the force-sensitive children being hunted by the Empire like the Jedi. That was a thought neither him nor Cere had ever considered. Or when she made one of those dry, quick-witted jabs at Greez. Those remarks were just Merrin being Merrin, and she probably didn’t realize how much it helped Greez let his guard down around her, even if he wouldn’t admit it.

So When Merrin quickly pushed the lightsaber back into his hand and smashed her mouth against his, Cal could only figure she knew it was the right thing to do. It sure felt right too.

Merrin really had no idea what she was doing. She found herself in a similar predicament to when she ran up to give Cal a hug after his battle on Nur. He wasn’t injured this time though, so there wasn’t as much of a reason to stop kissing him. She couldn’t complain, she’d been wanting to kiss him since that same moment. She found his lips were soft and gentle and matched every word she could ever use to describe him, so she was surprised when he kissed her back with a fervent passion as fiery as his red hair.

She put her hands on either side of his face and let her thumbs brush across his cheekbones, and she pulled Cal a little closer just so she could kiss him a little harder.

Their lips danced with one another in the evening breeze of Bogano’s twilight.

The hand Cal had on Merrin’s thigh had made its way around to her back, and he slowly moved it up and down in long smooth strokes.

They were both so lost in the moment and each other that they gave startled jumps when a very coy BD-1 made a series of beeps reminiscent of a cat call.

Merrin broke the kiss and brought her arms back down in front of her, her eyes flitting around suddenly avoiding eye contact.

Cal didn’t understand how someone as powerful in magick and as strong willed as Merrin could be so adorable and unsure of herself when it came to relationships with other people.

Cal gave her low back a light squeeze while he continued to smile at her. Merrin looked up at him through the loose strands of hair that had fallen from her bun and her faint grin reappeared.

Cal didn’t think he could ever tire of seeing her smile.

He turned to BD-1.

“Hey buddy, why don’t you head back to the ship? Let Cere and Greez know we’ll be there shortly.”

Merrin chose to speak up and offer her own words to BD. It was a rare thing for her to interact with the droid. There weren’t many, if any, on Dathomir, so she wasn’t particularly used to them.

“No, come over here. We’ll go back when we’re ready.”

Cal shot her a sideways glance as BD-1 ran over with a high-pitched trill of excitement. The droid nestled into Merrin’s side, and she gave him a few gentle pats on the head. She was acutely aware of the look Cal was giving her from the corner of her eye. Merrin could tell he was confused because for one, she was essentially petting BD-1, and two, she had made a comment that was suggestive of them being out in the field for quite a bit longer. And she was sure she knew exactly what Cal was thinking.

“Don’t think you’re getting lucky. I just want Greez to think I’m practicing my conjuring with his special spoon.”

Even after the moment they’d just shared, Cal’s face still lit up in embarrassment as a pink hue filled his cheeks. Merrin really had a way of unknowingly playing with his emotions. In the past 5 minutes he’d gone from nervous, to excited, to euphoric, and now to a wave of guilt because he had had those thoughts. He may be a Jedi, but he was only eighteen. He’d had similar ideas about other girls back in the seedy bar on Bracca he’d occasionally attend with Prauf, and he never felt bad about them. But this was...Well, this was Merrin. She was different and perfect in every way.

Merrin looked up from BD and brought her eyes to meet Cal’s again.

“I trust you with my life too, Cal. Why else would I have left Dathomir to join you?”

Cal had to think about that for a moment. She was a Nightsister, born and raised on Dathomir, an eternal bond to her sisters both in life and death. Everything she had ever known had been the dark, swirling intricacies of the ancient powerful planet. There wasn’t much left for her, but it was her home.

He thought back to his not so long ago life on Bracca. Cal didn’t have the same connection to the planet, but he had stayed there because he was in hiding and didn’t necessarily have a way to make it off world. He would have left to go explore the galaxy had anyone given him the chance. So when Prauf was killed and Cere and Greez showed up, of course he took them up on their offer to leave. Well that, and because the Inquisitors knew who he was now.

“Well I remember a conversation you had with Cere one day where you said you wanted to understand the galaxy and those who fight for it. I figured you would leave eventually, whether I intervened or not,” Cal said with a shrug.

Merrin gently shook her head. She had changed so much in the short time she’d known Cal, and the majority of those changes were due to his actions. She was glad Cal hadn’t known her long during her quest to avenge her sisters under Malicos. She was sure their relationship would be on very different terms, and Merrin didn’t like that thought.

“No, I would not have. I only want to understand this galaxy because of what you told me and showed me the outside world was truly like. At first I saw you as an enemy, and I treated you as one. But I knew you were different when you chose to return and the first thing you did was give me your lightsaber. And then you gave me the Astrium. You put the fate of the Jedi in my hands.”

Merrin paused and took a deep breath as she gathered her thoughts. Cal didn’t move a muscle, a longing gaze locked onto her while she spoke.

“My whole life was on Dathomir, what little I had left...I was raised to reject the rest of the galaxy, but you showed me how vast the galaxy is and how I could find a new path. A new life,” Merrin said as she removed her hand from the top of BD’s head and reached over to lightly caress Cal’s cheek, her tattooed thumb trailing over his scar.

“I never would have left Dathomir without trusting you with my life, Cal Kestis.”

Merrin looked at him with a closed-lipped smile, and Cal swore he could see into the deepest parts of her soul in that moment. She had been so open and so vulnerable, and Cal thought she was the most precious thing in the entire universe.

He reached up across his torso with the arm that had been resting on his knees and pulled Merrin’s hand away from his face, gently placing the back of her fingers against his lips and rolling a little closer to her in the process.

BD-1 had been intently watching and listening the whole time and gave a long beep at the sight.

“What was that BD? You want me to kiss her?”

BD-1 did a series of happy little hops from one foot to the other.

“Well I guess I have to since you say so.”

Merrin raised one eyebrow in an unconvinced expression.

“I still do not fully understand this language, but I do not think that’s what he said.”

“No, you don’t know, but I guess you’ll have to trust me.”

Cal leaned in, and Merrin met him halfway to catch his lips with hers. She placed her left hand on his chest, and Cal felt a steady pressure under her fingertips begging him to lean back. Of course he gave into her demands, and he slowly brought his back to the ground. Merrin followed him down, her arm in between them supporting herself while never breaking the kiss.

Cal relished her touch. He knew they were both quite inexperienced at kissing, but he didn’t need practice to know that this was perfection. He put his hands on either side of her waist and felt the gentle curve of her hips under her tunic. Cal let his mind wander in the pure bliss of the evening, though all his thoughts were still of Merrin. He thought of the feel of her body in his hands as he held onto her like a rare endangered flower. He thought of her velvet voice that vibrated throughout his body every time she spoke. He thought of her scent, something sweet, yet dark and intoxicating. He thought of her tattoos, the fine lines that marked the mastery of her craft, and how they adorned her beautiful face and hands. He wondered how many more she had…

Cal was so caught up in their kiss that he failed to notice when Merrin brought her other arm around to land on the ground next to his hip. In one fluid motion, she grabbed his lightsaber, pushed back on his chest to break their kiss, and disappeared in a cloud of green smoke.

As it turned out, Merrin was a tease.

He sat wide eyed for a moment trying to figure out what had happened before he propped himself up on both elbows and looked for her throughout Bogano’s plains. Cal turned to BD-1 in search of a clue. He actually had forgotten the droid was there, and he realized BD had watched the whole scene and made no sounds.

“Did you know she was planning this?”

“Boooooop,” BD-1 murmured in a low sad tone.

“I’m sorry buddy, I didn’t mean to doubt you. Do you have any idea where she went though?”

“Bee-oop.”

If Cal could describe a shrug in a series of beeps, that was it.

Cal got up off the ground, and looked around the plain once more. Merrin was nowhere to be found. He bent over and extended an arm to BD-1 who excitedly climbed up and perched himself on Cal’s shoulder.

“Maybe we should head back to the ship. I’m sure Cere and Greez are wondering where we are, and I have a feeling Merrin will only show herself if she wants to be found.”

Cal set off through the tall flowing kalpi and over the rolling hills to get back to the Mantis, his hair and poncho flowing in the light wind of Bogano’s broken plains. It took him no time to get back to the ship as he kept replaying the night’s events over and over in his head. Last night his mind was a flurry of distraught thoughts about his feelings for Merrin, and tonight was...well it was still a bombardment of thoughts about Merrin, but they were much better this time.

Merrin felt the same way. She’d been holding on to her feelings for Cal for awhile now. She didn’t wear her emotions on her face as much as Cal did, but he was on her mind a lot. How could he not be? Her life had done a complete 180 since he came into it, and he tended to leave much better thoughts in her mind than the horrors and atrocities that usually plagued her. She had a feeling that being with Cal would fill her future with sweet and pleasant memories over the terrifying nightmares of her past.

She was leaning against the hull of the Mantis. One arm was crossed over her chest while the other held Cal’s lightsaber in front of her as she examined it. It truly was a beautiful weapon. The hilt was a combination of two sabers, his old Master, Jaro Tapal, and Cere. An unwritten story of how Cal had mended his past with his future and made it stronger. Merrin switched on the lightsaber, and the body of the blade glowed in a warming orange and hummed in an almost comforting tone. She hadn’t noticed before, but the entire weapon undoubtedly embodied Cal.

Merrin was sinking into the soft orange glow of the light when she saw Cal approaching on the plain in front of her. He hadn’t noticed her yet, his head pointed slightly down and his eyes glazed over, lost in thought.

She uncrossed her arm, pushed herself off the side of the hull, turned on the second blade of the lightsaber, and watched as his concentration broke, shooting his head up to look in the direction of the noise.

Cal didn’t think he’d ever seen anyone look more smug in his entire life.

“I think it suits me, no?” Merrin said as she ran her eyes over the length of the blade.

Cal continued to slowly walk towards her, a smile evident on his face.

“I don’t know if orange is your color.”

“In some ways it is,” she said as she switched off the lightsaber and smirked at Cal, her eyes darting a quick glance at his hair before meeting his gaze.

Cal stopped walking and subconsciously brought his hand up and put it on top of his head, feigning an offended expression. He turned over his shoulder to address BD-1.

“I thought my hair looked pretty good. What do you think, BD?”

BD-1 nodded his head several times while warbling a short phrase in binary. Cal chuckled at his friend before replying to Merrin.

“He said he thinks it’s pretty, and that it helps me stand out.”

“That it does, Cal Kestis.”

She really was teasing him, and he was enjoying every second of it. Merrin slowly started to make her way towards the entrance of the ship. She kept a watchful eye on Cal as he moved his arm back down to his side and eyed her curiously.

“Well are you going to give it back?”

“No, I will not give it back, but you can try to take it back, _Jedi_.”

“Whatever you say, _Nightsister_.”

Merrin took off and ran up the ramp of the Mantis with Cal in tow. They crossed the threshold into the main area and Merrin made a sharp turn heading for the back of the ship. A bewildered Greez watched from the kitchen, one hand on a spoon mixing some concoction in a bowl he held, as Merrin beelined by him with a laughing Cal trailing behind. He wasn’t sure what the two young lovebirds were up to, but he didn’t really want to know either. He shook his head at the thought. Now was as good of a time as any to remind them that he was in charge of the ship. Greez yelled over his shoulder as Cal and Merrin made their way past the kitchen, BD-1 hopping down from Cal in the rush of the moment.

“Hey you kids, don’t forget the captain’s fourth rule: if it gets too loud, you’ll be flying in the clouds!”

Cere had been in the front of the ship when Cal and Merrin came barging in, and she had overheard Greez’s risque comment. She quietly laughed to herself. After she heard the swoosh of the door shutting in the back, she stood up and rounded the corner to talk to Greez.

“Leave those two alone, Greez. They’ve both been through some tough times in their young lives, and they deserve a chance for some happiness.”

“What, me? Of course I’m gonna let those two kiddos go do whatever it is a Jedi and a witch do, I just don’t want to hear it….I’m happy because they’re at least taking the precaution to not break rule number one at the same time.”

“You’ll have to remind me, Greez, which one is that again?”

“If a stain could show, the couch is a no.”

..........

Merrin stumbled into Cal’s room, tripping over her own laughter. She hadn’t laughed this hard in nearly a decade. She loved teasing Cal. He was so easy to fluster. Her moment of hesitation cost her though because Cal caught up and wrapped her in his arms from behind. His chest pressed into her back, and she could feel his warm breath on her neck as his cheek brushed against her ear.

She leaned into his embrace and he squeezed her a little tighter.

“I got you,” Cal whispered into her ear.

Merrin turned around, and his hands came to rest around her waist. She clipped his lightsaber back into Cal’s belt before putting her arms behind his neck. She ran a hand through his hair and held his eyes in her loving gaze.

“Yes you did, Cal,” Merrin said as she brought her hand across Cal’s cheek and down to his chin. She gently pulled him forward to close the space between them. Cal kissed her back with a huge grin across his face.

He took his left hand off her waist and grabbed hers that rested on his chin, letting their fingers intertwine as he brought their hands down beside them. Instant regret washed over Cal as he felt the Force echo of Merrin’s ring beckoning once more, but this time the memory hit him without asking.

_A young Merrin knelt beside a fallen Nightsister, grasping a cold, lifeless hand as tears steadily flowed down her cheeks. She removed a ring from the young Sister’s finger before gently placing the girl’s arms across her chest. Merrin reached up to close the girl’s eyes, and placed a somber hand on her cheek._

_“I will never forget you Ilyana,” Merrin choked out in between sobs._

The impact of the echo flooded him with immense sadness and overwhelming heartbreak. He quickly turned his head to the side, teeth clenched in pain, and dropped Merrin’s hand.

A mixed expression of concern and disappointment ran through Merrin’s face. She put her hand on his cheek and pleaded with him to look at her. Her touch felt just as tender and loving as it had in the echo. He let her glide his eyes back to hers.

“You do not need to hide any longer. You can trust me with your pain, Cal.”

“It’s not my pain Merrin. It’s yours,” Cal said softly while waiting to see her response. She contemplated what he said, but she was obviously confused.

“I do not understand.”

“Your ring...there was an echo in it. I felt it back out when we were in the field, but I didn’t look at it. Just now though, I...I couldn’t stop it. I’m so sorry, Merrin.”

“What did you see?” Merrin asked while continuously running her thumb gingerly over his cheek.

“Merrin...I’d rather…” Cal fought against sharing the memory with her before she curtly interrupted.

“Please,” she begged him.

Cal let out a mournful sigh.

“It was you. You were promising to never forget Ilyana as you laid her body to rest,” Cal said earnestly, not wanting to discredit her trauma.

Merrin did not expect that, but it did not affect her as much as she or Cal thought it would. Had it been a month ago when she was still wrapped in vengeance under Malicos, it might have been different. While she most certainly had never forgotten Ilyana, she was learning to move on and to cope using the knowledge her Sisters would always be with her, and she knew she could have a new and loving life with Cal and the rest of the Mantis crew.

Cal broke her train of thought.

“Do you still think of her?”

“I do, yes, but not how you might think. I do not dwell on what my life would look like if my Sisters were still alive. There is no point. We cannot change what happened. But I have learned I am not alone on my path forward, and that is enough. I have people that I trust.”

“Survivors. We adapt, right?” Cal repeated her words that she had told him back on Dathomir. They were just as fitting now as they were then.

“Yes, I guess we do.”

Cal got a glimpse of her full-lipped smile for a second time that day. He vowed to find ways to make her smile like that as often as he could. Their vulnerability with each other had opened up a gate known to no one else. To the rest of the galaxy, Merrin would be a terrifying, magick-wielding Nightsister with a sarcastic sense of humor and a troubled past. But she trusted Cal, and only he would ever know her true self.

She removed her arm from behind his neck and took his hand with one of her own.

“Come. Now let’s go bother Greez.”

“Do you intentionally seek out opportunities to scare him?” Cal laughed at her as he felt her begin to tug on his arm.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Cal Kestis.”

_That damn smirk_ , Cal thought to himself as he laughed.

“Well I hope you keep me around long enough to find out more.”

Merrin led Cal into the other room, his hand in hers and smiles on both of their faces. Cere saw them enter the kitchen from her seat at the front of the ship. There was a lightness about them, a burden that had been lifted from their shoulders, and she smiled at their newfound closeless and intertwined fingers. Their lives wouldn’t be perfect, but at least they’d have each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment or offer me some feedback!
> 
> Lastly, come say hi on tumblr! @paracordn7 
> 
> I got it like a month ago and I still don’t really know what I’m doing, but I love meeting and talking to new people :D


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